F**K these Wife Swappers

My latest forays into the dark side of LA's creative underbelly has unearthed the new extended version of Justin Tanner's Wife Swappers at the Third Stage theatre in Burbank, and F**K, an as yet undistributed documentary about said title word (whose vowels have been removed to protect the innocent), that had its world premiere at the AFI Fest here in LA on Wednesday evening.

Wife Swappers is about a group of middle aged OC swingers and the fresh meat that comes to one of their parties. Bawdy hilarity ensues entwined with topical socio-political mutterings and chew-the-scenery melodrama. The ensemble cast is truly great and includes a friend of mine, Victoria Prescott (yes CSI's Judy Tremont), the reason I went to see it in the first place. You can tell the cast is thoroughly enjoying themselves, which encourages the audience to let loose and do the same. I left the theatre wishing there was much more and now feel it imperative that I see Tanner's apparently classic Zombie Attack!

F**K is filled with much posturing over the use of this supposedly foulest, yet most recognizable, of English words by both those on the Left and Right (though it's safe to say the film leans a tad more to the left). Crammed with interesting tidbits (Robert Altman's M*A*S*H was the first movie to use the F-word in 1970) and the talking heads of Kevin Smith, Jeanne Garofalo and Pat Boone (who uses his own name as his own sanitized cuss word - B**NE!), the documentary is fundamentally concerned with the Freedom of Speech in the US. It does not however shy away from giving us every possible use of the word in any imaginable context (or so it seems). If this movie ever should come to a theater near you, please do go see it!

Note: In addition, I just saw Jarhead, and may now be totally in love with Jake Gyllenhall - I just wish he had a bit more of an ass!

CELEBFLASH: Hunks & Hotties

I doubt Jesse Metcalf's abscence from this season's Housewives is the reason people have been tuning out, but I sure do miss his oh-so-pleasing-on-the-eye phsique (in person he has a great chest). But like any other schmo even Jesse M. has to wait in line at the Sprint store.

Dan Cortese, you remember him from back in the day on MTV Sports and Melrose Place. Now he's got 2.4 kids in tow, but still looks damn tasty! Didn't we all think Veronica's Closet would have been a good show if Dan had taken his shirt off more!


Admit it, in his day didn't Harry Hamlin clash your titan dressed in that toga? And that bit on LA Law when he and Susan Dey sucked down those helium balloons? Made my heart melt! And aren't Lisa's lips now way overly botoxed?


Mia Sorvino don't you wish you hadn't won that Oscar for woody's 1995 Mighty Aphrodite? OK, so you followed it up with Mimic and Romy & Michelle - both high art films! At least you've got a hot husband to push that stroller!

Not the Rugby I Remember!

UPDATE: As pointed out by Heath, the men will be at The Abbey signing calendars on Saturday evening!

In my exhaustive internet travels I came across this...



The 2006 Rugby Guys calendar (and behind the scenes DVD).

These are not exactly the lads I recall from my days on the rugger field at Wellington School (though there was this one guy... Mark Scriven... all muscle, fantastic calves, probably my very first gay crush).

And all but one of these guys are gay! You gotta love that. Big, strapping, rugby playing, gay jocks!

So Totally LA!

I have a (310) cell number, complete with new phone and texting.

I talk on said phone in the car without an earpiece, while eating, weaving in and out of traffic, intemittently cussing at other bad LA drivers.

I'm on first name terms with Emmett from QAF (yes, we finally chit-chatted just the other day).

And now, just like everyone else, I'm all inked up. I have myself a nice little tattoo! And I'm totally stoked about it! (See Exhbit A below)

"What is it?" you may well ask.

Well, since I am a total Star Wars geek, I decided to have the Clone Wars logo, from the Dark Horse comics, forever painted on my left shoulder. Cool, huh?

So cool in fact here it is again (only less shiny).

An Even Smaller World After All!

Many years ago, soon after arriving in the States, I had my first brush with celebrity (my first CelebFlash if you will). I went up to NYC with Marcy, a good friend at the time from Bertucci's, and we met up with her sister, an actress, Meredith Scott Lynn.

At the time, the only role I knew Meredith for was her portrayal of the young Ellyn on thirtysomething (which isn't even listed on IMDB since Polly Draper, apparently a real bitch, demanded she dub over Meredith's voice believing her own raspy tones to be her signature acting asset).

Meredith went on to play everyone's best friend in Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss (with Sean Hayes), Forces of Nature and Legally Blonde, along with some major guest spots on the likes of Lois & Clark and The Practice.

But to the point of this post: I'm at the restuarant the other day, and in walks Meredith. Naturally, she knows one of my waiters, so I really can't pass up this opportunity and go reintroduce myself. And what does she do? She gets Marcy on the phone (who I haven't talked to in at least 10 years). This really is a small world!

But you know the saddest part of the whole thing? There I am, a decade later, and I'm again working in a bloody restuarant.

It really depressed the hell out of me, I can tell you!!!

I Dream of Jeans!

There is almost nothing I hate more than buying jeans.

It becomes this long drawn out ordeal of searching not just for the right size, but the right fit and of course, the right price - do I really want to spend upwards of $150 on denim?

First, size: Finding a pair of 32/30s is nigh on impossible (and what I really need is 31/28s - but that's just never gonna happen)! Why do stores think all short people are fat? Why can I only find 30" inseams with waists of 34" and above? Do all tall people have 28" and 30" waists?

Then comes fit: I don't do boot cut, slim fit, straight leg, mid rise or easy fit. I don't even do relaxed! I can't. They just don't fit over my thighs. Loose, baggy or carpenter, that's about it.

And finally, price: At some point during this 'sode I throw my hands in the air, and announce to anyone within earshot, that if I can just find a pair, any pair that fits I'll pay over $200 if I have to!

So, no Von Dutch, True Religion, Lucky, 7 For All Mankind, Diesel or G Star. They're just not made for us short, thick-thighed boyz! So what do I end up with? Mavi, Mavi Max Wide Full leg & seat to be precise. In other words, "Husky Boy" jeans! Only I fill them out completely, ass, thigh et al.

The one saving grace... they're cheap as all hell!!!

They're Back!

Just when I thought it was safe to go back to the dog park!

Famke's back! And her little dog Liquorice too!

I thought she'd left me and the other park people in peace. But there she was, complete with those over-sized dark glasses, fresh from filming X-Men 3 (and that whole Dark Phoenix debacle that's sure to be a major plot thread this time around).

It looks like this time she's back with a vengeance, and unless she has some extra X3 pickups she's here to stay (there’s nothing else currently listed on her IMDB listing, and, apparantly all her scenes on this season's Nip/Tuck were all cutting-room-floor stuff from last year).

And then there's the ubiquitous Peter Paige who leers at me out of the corner of his beady eyes while doing cable cross-overs (with pretty poor form I might add).

Often dressed in that same damn orange "Save Paul" tee he wears in the movie, the guy is always eerily present whenever and whereever I'm working out. Now admittedly, I should expect to be harrassed by those out-of-work creative types during the "Actor/Model/Escort" hours at the gym, but please let Jackie, Jr. do the leering, not Emmett!